Five Demented Toys That Scarred Me For Life

Posted by ARC at 11/29/2007 9:46 AM
Categories: Pop Culture,Nostalgia,Geek Toys


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With massive toy recalls on every parent's mind, I've started to reminisce about the gizmos and games that adversely affected me as a child. True, I never suffered from lead poisoning or ate something that was coated with a date rape drug, but there were quite a few toys that haunted my dreams for years. Whether they traumatized me physically or mentally, these are the top five demented toys that scarred me for life:

  1. Willy Water Bug

    The Willy Water Bug sprinkler takes the number one spot because it was the toy that scarred me literally rather than figuratively. If you were a child in the 1980's, then you can probably relate. This implement of torture, cleverly designed as a seasonal toy, would expel water through its many rubber tentacles.

    Put a child near a sprinkler and his/her first instinct is to leap over the water source. Of course, this would prove to be my undoing, as the tentacles would lash violently around and leave sizable welts on my legs and thighs. Like a moth to the flame, God help me, I kept jumping over that bug and was continuously punished for it.

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  2. Parker Brothers' Ouija Board

    From the makers of "Monopoly" and "Clue" comes... a gateway to Hell! Charming, isn't it? I am neither a religious nor superstitious person, but the Ouija Board still scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. Why this game found such mainstream appeal, I have no idea. Pregnant Barbie is considered obscene and was pulled off shelves, but communicating with the dead is age appropriate and readily stocked at Wal-Mart?

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  3. Nintendo's Back to the Future

    Once upon a time, Nintendo decided to turn one of the greatest movies of the 1980's into a painfully frustrating game. Inexplicably dressed as Eddie from Eddie and the Cruisers, Marty McFly must traverse Hill Valley while dodging things like giant bees, potholes and milkshakes.

    So, basically, it has absolutely nothing to do with the movie. Being a die-hard Back to the Future fan, I couldn't wait to play this game when I was a kid. Just one more character-building disappointment, I suppose.

    If you don't believe me when I tell you it is a sadistic romp through pixelated Hell, play an online version here. As for a more detailed review of this disaster, watch The IRATE Gamer tear it a new one in the video below. (Caution: This guy swears a lot, so don't watch it at work or in front of the kiddos.)


  4. Crocodile Mile

    The Crocodile Mile was a fancy variation of the Slip 'n Slide, or the more suggestively titled Wet Banana. I can't fault the genius who made a million dollars off wet strips of garbage bag, but I was sorely disappointed with this product. I did, in fact, save up for several months to buy the Crocodile Mile. It was all I could think about one summer. I can still here the commercial's song in my head: "You run, you slide, you hit the bump and take a DIVE"!

    That's right, the Crocodile Mile had a "diving pool" which, according to the commercial, was a giant puddle that you landed in at the end of the slide. Of course, once I had the toy in my hot little hands, I found it to be just as crappy as the Slip 'n Slide.

    Basically, you get one good slide before you're covered in grass or a rock cuts through the plastic and lacerates your flesh. Also, the "diving pool" was greatly exaggerated in the commercial and I was lucky if I could even get my entire body over the bump before I came to a screeching halt.

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  5. Operation

    Could there possibly be a more nerve-wracking game than "Operation?" Seriously, there should be a Surgeon General's Warning on it, like "Warning: This Game Has Been Associated With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" or "Warning: Children With A Heart Murmur Should Not Attempt Wishbone Extraction".

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Of course, I could have gone the easy route with this list and mentioned being traumatized by clowns or ventriloquist dummies, but those are a given for every child. As for my own kids, I'm just hoping that this whole Bratz phenomenon is a distant memory before my daughter is old enough to beg me for one.

 
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