Five Demented Toys That Scarred Me For Life
With massive toy recalls on every parent's mind, I've started to reminisce about the gizmos and games that adversely affected me as a child. True, I never suffered from lead poisoning or ate something that was coated with a date rape drug, but there were quite a few toys that haunted my dreams for years. Whether they traumatized me physically or mentally, these are the top five demented toys that scarred me for life:
Willy Water Bug
The Willy Water Bug sprinkler takes the number one spot because it was the toy that scarred me literally rather than figuratively. If you were a child in the 1980's, then you can probably relate. This implement of torture, cleverly designed as a seasonal toy, would expel water through its many rubber tentacles.
Put a child near a sprinkler and his/her first instinct is to leap over the water source. Of course, this would prove to be my undoing, as the tentacles would lash violently around and leave sizable welts on my legs and thighs. Like a moth to the flame, God help me, I kept jumping over that bug and was continuously punished for it.
Parker Brothers' Ouija Board
From the makers of "Monopoly" and "Clue" comes... a gateway to Hell! Charming, isn't it? I am neither a religious nor superstitious person, but the Ouija Board still scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. Why this game found such mainstream appeal, I have no idea. Pregnant Barbie is considered obscene and was pulled off shelves, but communicating with the dead is age appropriate and readily stocked at Wal-Mart?
Nintendo's Back to the Future
Once upon a time, Nintendo decided to turn one of the greatest movies of the 1980's into a painfully frustrating game. Inexplicably dressed as Eddie from Eddie and the Cruisers, Marty McFly must traverse Hill Valley while dodging things like giant bees, potholes and milkshakes.
So, basically, it has absolutely nothing to do with the movie. Being a die-hard Back to the Future fan, I couldn't wait to play this game when I was a kid. Just one more character-building disappointment, I suppose.
If you don't believe me when I tell you it is a sadistic romp through pixelated Hell, play an online version here. As for a more detailed review of this disaster, watch The IRATE Gamer tear it a new one in the video below. (Caution: This guy swears a lot, so don't watch it at work or in front of the kiddos.)Crocodile Mile
The Crocodile Mile was a fancy variation of the Slip 'n Slide, or the more suggestively titled Wet Banana. I can't fault the genius who made a million dollars off wet strips of garbage bag, but I was sorely disappointed with this product. I did, in fact, save up for several months to buy the Crocodile Mile. It was all I could think about one summer. I can still here the commercial's song in my head: "You run, you slide, you hit the bump and take a DIVE"!
That's right, the Crocodile Mile had a "diving pool" which, according to the commercial, was a giant puddle that you landed in at the end of the slide. Of course, once I had the toy in my hot little hands, I found it to be just as crappy as the Slip 'n Slide.
Basically, you get one good slide before you're covered in grass or a rock cuts through the plastic and lacerates your flesh. Also, the "diving pool" was greatly exaggerated in the commercial and I was lucky if I could even get my entire body over the bump before I came to a screeching halt.
Operation
Could there possibly be a more nerve-wracking game than "Operation?" Seriously, there should be a Surgeon General's Warning on it, like "Warning: This Game Has Been Associated With Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" or "Warning: Children With A Heart Murmur Should Not Attempt Wishbone Extraction".
Of course, I could have gone the easy route with this list and mentioned being traumatized by clowns or ventriloquist dummies, but those are a given for every child. As for my own kids, I'm just hoping that this whole Bratz phenomenon is a distant memory before my daughter is old enough to beg me for one.
I still have my original Ouiija Board, I locked it in the Basement!
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Didn't you see "Witchboard?" It always comes back! Mwahahaha!!!
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I love your site Amy! I'd forgotten how funny you were (and cynical as ever).
And I totally agree with Ouiji board and Operation being traumatic. I could never understand why anyone would have a ouiji board in their home, inviting in the evil spirits (ooh). I got creeped out enough after leaving it behind, feeling like one of "them" stuck with me. As I got older, the game became frustrating because all I did was try to catch people moving the stupid thing, knowing by then that it would never move on its own. Still, it is hilarious that a toy maker would distribute, for a nominal fee, psychological torture in a neat little box, what FUN! And I still get nervous when I watch the Operation commercials. But I sure remember spending tons of time trying to get through it. Imagine all the shaky hands it created in small children. Yet another factor in shaping our neurotic minds.
Thanks for sharing your stories and making me laugh.
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Thanks for reading! Someone brought over a Ouija board for a sleepover once and mom freaked out. What is it with girls being so morbid during sleepovers? That "light as a feather, stiff as a board" thing is weird, too.
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I agree about the Ouiji board- it was the only toy we had to dare ourselves to play with. It also bothered me how nervous the Operation guy looked.
I tagged you for a meme challenge. The rules are here: http://writersjourneyblog.blogspot.com/
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I was with you in the lawn playing with the water toys. At ten, I was much too big for the Croc. Mile, but still insisted on getting a turn. I remember that I would sail right over the "pool" at the end. Strangely, despite the pain, I still had fun and wanted to play with Willy the Water Bug every single day the one summer mom bought us that toy. Kids are weird. I can imagine my own doing the same.
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Do you remember tying a few of the hoses at the end so that the others were more powerful? God, we were masochists!
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I have been bitter about missing out on the Crocodile Mile for years! By exposing your own childhood scars, you have helped heal mine.
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Cheaper than therapy! (But not as fun as meds...)
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After watching Witchboard as a kid I swore off those devil boards for life!
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I always wanted a Ouija board and loving all things "weird"; as my mother states, I could see myself using it. My fear was that something would actually come through; just my luck..haha. Operation fascinated me to no end, yet my mother wouldn't purchase it for me; ugh, horrible mommy.
I will give you some insight on Bratz; don't get them..haha. I never thought about it until someone at church mentioned it, but they perpetuate meanness. I am not one who normally agrees with that type of thinking, but watching my normally nice and caring daughter play with them made me re-think that idea. She luckily grew out of them rather quickly..she hates them now. She is eleven.
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Gee, you two make me feel like a candidate for the ‘Mommy Dearest’ award. Except for the fact that I never spanked you, much less hit you with a clothes hanger. Maybe it’s just the downside of raising children too smart for their own good??? Then again, maybe we should just blame Dad… lol
MommyDearest
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Are you too young to have had Lawn Jarts? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawn_darts
We used to tie them to a string and whirl them overhead (like a sling or bolla or something) to see how far we could wing them. Ah, good times.
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